So,
I am figureing out I am terrible with blogging... I don't often have much to say as I live a REALY droll life. I should be out getting pictures and stuff but...I have become like the worlds biggest homebody who would rather troll someone elses life then pay attention to my own. Which .. I have to say is not the most important thing to be doing right now. I really need to get out there and search for a job.
I have a job application sitting in front of me for the place I used to work and am kinda at a loss. I am seriously suffering from mixed emotions about it. In the back of my mind I know I had said before I really never wanted to go back and work in at that place again but I find myself in a bit of a dilemma. Living where I live is the biggest precursor in my problems of finding employment. I mean... for someone of my skin color (sad but true) in this little podunk town in the corn/bible belt of the U.S., its just not as easy to find a job say if I was caucasian. Consider this, I am half Afro-American living in a predominatly white area. I can seriously say that there is probably enough "black" people in this town to constitute a family of 5...maybe... Anyways, besides that point in the fact that it would seriously go against my pride and integrity to go back and work there on the occasion that I am actually hired. I really don't know what I should do in this situation.
I want to talk about another aspect of my life that is...well...interesting and mixing up my emotions right now. I have talked to my ex-husband a few times since the divorce and its really kinda unerving at how amicable our "relationship" has become. I listen to other people talk about their exes with disdain and hate and think wow, thats bad. In all honesty I should hate my ex for the hell I went through but.. I don't. Just a few days ago we talked like old friends and were both amazed at how easy it was and is now. We agreed its alot easier for us now to communicate then when we were married. I told him that it seems we are much better as friends then as a couple. Honestly that is probably where we went wrong because we met at a sportsclub on the military base we were stationed at and two weeks later we were inseperable. Anyways, that life was a long drawn out horrible story but now... seems things have changed. We can talk and laugh and joke around like true friends. I still don't feel in my heart I can ever trully trust him but it is nice to sit back and talk and be able to relax with each other without all the tension. Before we ended our conversation I told him it was too bad our marriage wasn't like this, but I am glad we are both happier now. Funny thing is he recently got married and I found out through bits and pieces here and there because as he says, He was afraid it would make me angry to know about it. I told him I was glad he was happy because he deserves to be happy. I just hope he can stay true to his new wife and lead the perfect married life he missed out on with me. BTW, Their wedding pictures were absolutely gorgeous. I am truely happy for them. Now I just need to find my happiness which honestly... I don't think there is meant to be any for me. My ex told me I should be myself rather then try to live up to everyone around me. Its honest but thats something that will probably never happen. I have yet to find someone that is willing to just let me be me. Besides at my age, I don't think I will find that anywhere. People want young people, not some divorced ajumma in her 30's with 3 kids and relationship issues. I can always dream though. I swear when I think about it, my life is like a circus without the animals and a ringleader. You got the clowns, the tent, and the fat lady for a side-show freak.
