Something to think about...

We as human beings perpetuate and propagate lies and deceptions so nothing in our human existence changes, thus making our substantiality in todays world more comfortable to us. What, I wonder, is the reasons we have for maintaining this when, further on down the road people discover the truth behind the deceit that it does more damage then good....
Relationships get broken, friendships and lives are lost until you get to a point where you have no faith in anything or anyone...

I for one know that yes, I am a Liar. No, I am not proud of it but, in a place where integrity and fidelity are the main keys to potential happiness and longevity to a relationship, I just can't understand WHY my/your/their significant other feels that lying is the best way to handle a situation that arises. Don't they understand that in the future you plan to have together it is best to be forthright and truthful?? If a question gets asked instead of shady and deceptive???

I just don't get it... I Know there are times when it is best to just keep your mouth shut but in no way does that constitute reciting an elaborate fallacy about something just to maintain what you already have...

Lying to someone and knowing deep down that eventually you will be found out only creates more stress in your own life with the fact you have to keep up with telling more lies to cover up the first lie you told and so on and so forth... And you still have the potential to lose everything you were trying to protect with the lie because by the time everything has come out in the wash it does so and a grander scale then you can comprehend and you end up sitting back and saying, "Why the hell am I such a dumbshit???"

Truth be told, I do not have many pet peeves. This right here, yes I mean lies and deceit, are the ones on the very tip top of my list. I have always tried to be an honest person in my life. Yes, I have lied to keep my life together but I have also turned around and gave up the truth just as willingly and not maintained a lie after I lost everything I held dear.... Its just not worth it.

Someone that does this just seems like less of a person to me and its no wonder I could never fully ever trust that person. Something I should have seen a LONG time ago. That was my bad for trying to trust them. (sorry off subject)

Anyways, I just get really tired of people dealing with me with "kid gloves" through fallacy and deception.... I AM NOT that fucking soft-headed or soft-hearted that I can not handle being told the truth... I get even more annoyed when I find out thats what people are doing who claim by all rights that they are my friends and or love interests... Just be fucking honest... Brutally if needs be... I am sick of finding shit out secondhand and discovering I have been lied to all along... This is not what friends/bestfriends/lovers do... Its not right...

I will say this though, If this is the way people choose to keep handling their lives and friendships with me, I will move on and leave you behind... You may sit back and point your fingers with feelings of hurt and deception and say that I am/was not good enough and not worthy enough, because I am the one who left you, but before you do this, take a flashback in your own life and your dealings with me and see how you acted in the situation and what could have been changed to keep me around...

On With The Show!!

So,

I am figureing out I am terrible with blogging... I don't often have much to say as I live a REALY droll life. I should be out getting pictures and stuff but...I have become like the worlds biggest homebody who would rather troll someone elses life then pay attention to my own. Which .. I have to say is not the most important thing to be doing right now. I really need to get out there and search for a job. 

I have a job application sitting in front of me for the place I used to work and am kinda at a loss. I am seriously suffering from mixed emotions about it. In the back of my mind I know I had said before I really never wanted to go back and work in at that place again but I find myself in a bit of a dilemma. Living where I live is the biggest precursor in my problems of finding employment. I mean... for someone of my skin color (sad but true) in this little podunk town in the corn/bible belt of the U.S., its just not as easy to find a job say if I was caucasian. Consider this, I am half Afro-American living in a predominatly white area. I can seriously say that there is probably enough "black" people in this town to constitute a family of 5...maybe... Anyways, besides that point in the fact that it would seriously go against my pride and integrity to go back and work there on the occasion that I am actually hired. I really don't know what I should do in this situation.

I want to talk about another aspect of my life that is...well...interesting and mixing up my emotions right now. I have talked to my ex-husband a few times since the divorce and its really kinda unerving at how amicable our "relationship" has become. I listen to other people talk about their exes with disdain and hate and think wow, thats bad. In all honesty I should hate my ex for the hell I went through but.. I don't. Just a few days ago we talked like old friends and were both amazed at how easy it was and is now. We agreed its alot easier for us now to communicate then when we were married. I told him that it seems we are much better as friends then as a couple. Honestly that is probably where we went wrong because we met at a sportsclub on the military base we were stationed at and two weeks later we were inseperable. Anyways, that life was a long drawn out horrible story but now... seems things have changed. We can talk and laugh and joke around like true friends. I still don't feel in my heart I can ever trully trust him but it is nice to sit back and talk and be able to relax with each other without all the tension. Before we ended our conversation I told him it was too bad our marriage wasn't like this, but I am glad we are both happier now. Funny thing is he recently got married and I found out through bits and pieces here and there because as he says, He was afraid it would make me angry to know about it. I told him I was glad he was happy because he deserves to be happy. I just hope he can stay true to his new wife and lead the perfect married life he missed out on with me. BTW, Their wedding pictures were absolutely gorgeous. I am truely happy for them. Now I just need to find my happiness which honestly... I don't think there is meant to be any for me. My ex told me I should be myself rather then try to live up to everyone around me. Its honest but thats something that will probably never happen. I have yet to find someone that is willing to just let me be me. Besides at my age, I don't think I will find that anywhere. People want young people, not some divorced ajumma in her 30's with 3 kids and relationship issues. I can always dream though. I swear when I think about it, my life is like a circus without the animals and a ringleader. You got the clowns, the tent, and the fat lady for a side-show freak.

Aint Life Grand??

A Past Poem

This is a poem I wrote 3 years ago describing my life at that time. 


The Falling ...

She sinks,

blackness surrounds the broken lines in her life,

there is no light at the end of her tunnel,

only emptiness.

 A consuming darkness,

nothingness feeding on the pit she calls her soul,

starved because there is nothing there anymore,

She is hollow.

 She that I speak of,

has known love, happiness, joy, life,

she has tasted the richness of passion,

the fruitfulness of knowledge,

yet she sinks.

 Why she sinks,

she has reached her ultimate,

her end is near and she has lost everything,

there is no hope for her now,

so on she sinks.




This is her,

this is her life,

this is her love,

this is her sadness,

this is her death,

This is....

 Her Falling.

Cold Nebraska Morning

I find its time to set up another block of my bloggy goodness. Today is freaking cold and I am sitting here at home with a sick kid and am looking around myself, wondering what the heck am I doing with my life. I have noticed lately that I live my life through the net. What in the world would I do if I didn't have this electric form of entertainment in front of me?? When I think about it, knowing me and my lazy self, I would probably either be reading or in front of the TV. 

I have never been big on cleaning or anything in that form. My place is MESSY. I can't even blame it all on my housemates. I seriously need to reevaluate my life and get my priorities in check. I have thought about going back to school but even the reasoning for that eludes me. I don't know if I am just scared or trying to run away and bury myself in a land that involves this 19 inch brightly lit screen in front of me. 

Its funny when I think about  how I said I would "share my daily life" with people through this blog. But what is there to share when all I do most every day is sit here and suck away my motivation by watching foreign news, Asian dramas, and trying to keep up on the news about my favorite music stars from across the ocean. In truth as I said before I have 4 sites I check on all throughout the day online. Facebook, Twitter, Allkpop, and Tokyohive are the ones I mentioned before. Well I have to add 2 more to that list. Dramacrazy, and animecrazy. I sit here and drain my life away on watching dramas and animes everyday. Often forgoing sleep for 2 to 3 days at a time until I drop from exhaustion. 

My life has become extremely pathetic and thats not the half of it. In all honesty I don't even want to change what I do. I really don't like leaving my house at all. I make excuses to stay at home wrapped around my pc. Its become like smoking or doing drugs. I am so addicted to this metal and plastic "Thing" that my whole outlook on life is becoming a very gray almost black area. I suffer from depression and ADHD and surprisingly this "Thing" in front of me is the one thing that makes it worse and also makes it better. 

An example of what happens when I leave my home for the day and am away from my computer is Thanksgiving. I swear to God that this Thanksgiving was the worst one I have ever spent and the most pathetic on my part. My fiance, kids and I went to his parents place and had dinner. There were other family members there as well. It was great for the first 2 hours. After that everyone settled down to watch football and play games. I ended up in a recliner chair and within 10 minutes I was asleep. I slept off and on for 3 more hours while we were there in front of people that I had met for the first time in my life. People that will become my future family. I woke up when it was time to leave. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed because this is the type of person I have become. 

I really need to buck up and find a way to save myself before I end up losing what last little grasp of the real world I have. 

My Next Ink

So, I have been battleing the idea back and forth of a new tattoo.. I really really like this picture BUT I want color this time. I have 4 tattoos at the moment and am looking to get a couple more. I am not sure as to whether I want to go with a music theme or get the tattoo I wanted for my kids. I have a few ideas for that one as well. These two pics represent my 3 kids.

I have a few more music ideas as well...

Anyways, whatcha think?? I like them all, would like to get them all but not sure where to put them lol.

So, well I just wanted to share this with y'all...

Something interestingly disturbing

This is something I found on someone elses blog but wanted to share..
Say hello to mechanically separated chicken. It’s what all fast-food chicken is made from—things like chicken nuggets and patties. Also, the processed frozen chicken in the stores is made from it.
Basically, the entire chicken is smashed and pressed through a sieve—bones, eyes, guts, and all. it comes out looking like this.
There’s more: because it’s crawling with bacteria, it will be washed with ammonia, soaked in it, actually. Then, because it tastes gross, it will be reflavored artificially. Then, because it is weirdly pink, it will be dyed with artificial color.
But, hey, at least it tastes good, right?
High five, America!

What to do on a day of sickness...

Welp today as you can see I am bored... I am sick with the flu/cold and don't feel like doin much. I guess I am glad that I don't have to work but sometimes I would like a little break from the people in my house. Don't get me wrong I love them all to death but...I see them pretty much all day everyday with no time to myself. That gets old after awhile but I guess thats the price for choosing to not go back to work for awhile. I can pursue a few things I would like to do now but when yer sick... motivation is just not there. 

Anyways I know this is short but... I think its time to go rest for a bit...Til next time!