Last Memories
A heart...
cold and grey
stilled by grief and pain
locked away from prying eyes
A heart is finished...
no strength left for hope
no hope left for love
A heart surrendered...
encased in a hatred so deep
armor never compromised again
A heart stops...
Enough Already
Shattered
jagged, sharp, splintered
bleeding, screaming, pain
Shattered
crushed, broken, violated
desolation, misery, torment
Shattered
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Friday, July 22, 2011
And here we thought hell was hot...
AN OLD HUMMM FROM AN OLD HUMMMMM!!!!!
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
Random meanderings of illogically pissed off mind
Here I sit,
All the random possibilities of things that have happened running through my head,
Tearing at the walls of my senses,
trying to rip their way free of my throbbing skull.
Inside I bleed away a thousand lives,
each one strange and more benign then the one before it.
Colorless thoughts of pain and suffering plague the already diseased dreams,
Turning daydreams into violent nightmares full of ghastly yet melancholy scenarios.
Life and death are no longer separated,
they are one joined in an unholy union,
Forever procreating the lies and deception of that filth called love.
Its not normal you see,
this is me,
My existence,
black, corroded, hollow,
yet the flow is never staunched,
The lifeblood still pours from the gashes in my thoughts like a million rivers,
turbulence is all I know,
There is no saving this lost soul,
in time it will disappear,
gone and forgotten...
All the random possibilities of things that have happened running through my head,
Tearing at the walls of my senses,
trying to rip their way free of my throbbing skull.
Inside I bleed away a thousand lives,
each one strange and more benign then the one before it.
Colorless thoughts of pain and suffering plague the already diseased dreams,
Turning daydreams into violent nightmares full of ghastly yet melancholy scenarios.
Life and death are no longer separated,
they are one joined in an unholy union,
Forever procreating the lies and deception of that filth called love.
Its not normal you see,
this is me,
My existence,
black, corroded, hollow,
yet the flow is never staunched,
The lifeblood still pours from the gashes in my thoughts like a million rivers,
turbulence is all I know,
There is no saving this lost soul,
in time it will disappear,
gone and forgotten...
Something to think about...
We as human beings perpetuate and propagate lies and deceptions so nothing in our human existence changes, thus making our substantiality in todays world more comfortable to us. What, I wonder, is the reasons we have for maintaining this when, further on down the road people discover the truth behind the deceit that it does more damage then good....
Relationships get broken, friendships and lives are lost until you get to a point where you have no faith in anything or anyone...
I for one know that yes, I am a Liar. No, I am not proud of it but, in a place where integrity and fidelity are the main keys to potential happiness and longevity to a relationship, I just can't understand WHY my/your/their significant other feels that lying is the best way to handle a situation that arises. Don't they understand that in the future you plan to have together it is best to be forthright and truthful?? If a question gets asked instead of shady and deceptive???
I just don't get it... I Know there are times when it is best to just keep your mouth shut but in no way does that constitute reciting an elaborate fallacy about something just to maintain what you already have...
Lying to someone and knowing deep down that eventually you will be found out only creates more stress in your own life with the fact you have to keep up with telling more lies to cover up the first lie you told and so on and so forth... And you still have the potential to lose everything you were trying to protect with the lie because by the time everything has come out in the wash it does so and a grander scale then you can comprehend and you end up sitting back and saying, "Why the hell am I such a dumbshit???"
Truth be told, I do not have many pet peeves. This right here, yes I mean lies and deceit, are the ones on the very tip top of my list. I have always tried to be an honest person in my life. Yes, I have lied to keep my life together but I have also turned around and gave up the truth just as willingly and not maintained a lie after I lost everything I held dear.... Its just not worth it.
Someone that does this just seems like less of a person to me and its no wonder I could never fully ever trust that person. Something I should have seen a LONG time ago. That was my bad for trying to trust them. (sorry off subject)
Anyways, I just get really tired of people dealing with me with "kid gloves" through fallacy and deception.... I AM NOT that fucking soft-headed or soft-hearted that I can not handle being told the truth... I get even more annoyed when I find out thats what people are doing who claim by all rights that they are my friends and or love interests... Just be fucking honest... Brutally if needs be... I am sick of finding shit out secondhand and discovering I have been lied to all along... This is not what friends/bestfriends/lovers do... Its not right...
I will say this though, If this is the way people choose to keep handling their lives and friendships with me, I will move on and leave you behind... You may sit back and point your fingers with feelings of hurt and deception and say that I am/was not good enough and not worthy enough, because I am the one who left you, but before you do this, take a flashback in your own life and your dealings with me and see how you acted in the situation and what could have been changed to keep me around...
Relationships get broken, friendships and lives are lost until you get to a point where you have no faith in anything or anyone...
I for one know that yes, I am a Liar. No, I am not proud of it but, in a place where integrity and fidelity are the main keys to potential happiness and longevity to a relationship, I just can't understand WHY my/your/their significant other feels that lying is the best way to handle a situation that arises. Don't they understand that in the future you plan to have together it is best to be forthright and truthful?? If a question gets asked instead of shady and deceptive???
I just don't get it... I Know there are times when it is best to just keep your mouth shut but in no way does that constitute reciting an elaborate fallacy about something just to maintain what you already have...
Lying to someone and knowing deep down that eventually you will be found out only creates more stress in your own life with the fact you have to keep up with telling more lies to cover up the first lie you told and so on and so forth... And you still have the potential to lose everything you were trying to protect with the lie because by the time everything has come out in the wash it does so and a grander scale then you can comprehend and you end up sitting back and saying, "Why the hell am I such a dumbshit???"
Truth be told, I do not have many pet peeves. This right here, yes I mean lies and deceit, are the ones on the very tip top of my list. I have always tried to be an honest person in my life. Yes, I have lied to keep my life together but I have also turned around and gave up the truth just as willingly and not maintained a lie after I lost everything I held dear.... Its just not worth it.
Someone that does this just seems like less of a person to me and its no wonder I could never fully ever trust that person. Something I should have seen a LONG time ago. That was my bad for trying to trust them. (sorry off subject)
Anyways, I just get really tired of people dealing with me with "kid gloves" through fallacy and deception.... I AM NOT that fucking soft-headed or soft-hearted that I can not handle being told the truth... I get even more annoyed when I find out thats what people are doing who claim by all rights that they are my friends and or love interests... Just be fucking honest... Brutally if needs be... I am sick of finding shit out secondhand and discovering I have been lied to all along... This is not what friends/bestfriends/lovers do... Its not right...
I will say this though, If this is the way people choose to keep handling their lives and friendships with me, I will move on and leave you behind... You may sit back and point your fingers with feelings of hurt and deception and say that I am/was not good enough and not worthy enough, because I am the one who left you, but before you do this, take a flashback in your own life and your dealings with me and see how you acted in the situation and what could have been changed to keep me around...
Thursday, June 9, 2011
On With The Show!!
So,
I am figureing out I am terrible with blogging... I don't often have much to say as I live a REALY droll life. I should be out getting pictures and stuff but...I have become like the worlds biggest homebody who would rather troll someone elses life then pay attention to my own. Which .. I have to say is not the most important thing to be doing right now. I really need to get out there and search for a job.
I have a job application sitting in front of me for the place I used to work and am kinda at a loss. I am seriously suffering from mixed emotions about it. In the back of my mind I know I had said before I really never wanted to go back and work in at that place again but I find myself in a bit of a dilemma. Living where I live is the biggest precursor in my problems of finding employment. I mean... for someone of my skin color (sad but true) in this little podunk town in the corn/bible belt of the U.S., its just not as easy to find a job say if I was caucasian. Consider this, I am half Afro-American living in a predominatly white area. I can seriously say that there is probably enough "black" people in this town to constitute a family of 5...maybe... Anyways, besides that point in the fact that it would seriously go against my pride and integrity to go back and work there on the occasion that I am actually hired. I really don't know what I should do in this situation.
I want to talk about another aspect of my life that is...well...interesting and mixing up my emotions right now. I have talked to my ex-husband a few times since the divorce and its really kinda unerving at how amicable our "relationship" has become. I listen to other people talk about their exes with disdain and hate and think wow, thats bad. In all honesty I should hate my ex for the hell I went through but.. I don't. Just a few days ago we talked like old friends and were both amazed at how easy it was and is now. We agreed its alot easier for us now to communicate then when we were married. I told him that it seems we are much better as friends then as a couple. Honestly that is probably where we went wrong because we met at a sportsclub on the military base we were stationed at and two weeks later we were inseperable. Anyways, that life was a long drawn out horrible story but now... seems things have changed. We can talk and laugh and joke around like true friends. I still don't feel in my heart I can ever trully trust him but it is nice to sit back and talk and be able to relax with each other without all the tension. Before we ended our conversation I told him it was too bad our marriage wasn't like this, but I am glad we are both happier now. Funny thing is he recently got married and I found out through bits and pieces here and there because as he says, He was afraid it would make me angry to know about it. I told him I was glad he was happy because he deserves to be happy. I just hope he can stay true to his new wife and lead the perfect married life he missed out on with me. BTW, Their wedding pictures were absolutely gorgeous. I am truely happy for them. Now I just need to find my happiness which honestly... I don't think there is meant to be any for me. My ex told me I should be myself rather then try to live up to everyone around me. Its honest but thats something that will probably never happen. I have yet to find someone that is willing to just let me be me. Besides at my age, I don't think I will find that anywhere. People want young people, not some divorced ajumma in her 30's with 3 kids and relationship issues. I can always dream though. I swear when I think about it, my life is like a circus without the animals and a ringleader. You got the clowns, the tent, and the fat lady for a side-show freak.
Monday, January 10, 2011
A Past Poem
This is a poem I wrote 3 years ago describing my life at that time.
The Falling ...
She sinks,
blackness surrounds the broken lines in her life,
there is no light at the end of her tunnel,
only emptiness.
A consuming darkness,
nothingness feeding on the pit she calls her soul,
starved because there is nothing there anymore,
She is hollow.
She that I speak of,
has known love, happiness, joy, life,
she has tasted the richness of passion,
the fruitfulness of knowledge,
yet she sinks.
Why she sinks,
she has reached her ultimate,
her end is near and she has lost everything,
there is no hope for her now,
so on she sinks.
This is her,
this is her life,
this is her love,
this is her sadness,
this is her death,
This is....
Her Falling.
The Falling ...
She sinks,
blackness surrounds the broken lines in her life,
there is no light at the end of her tunnel,
only emptiness.
A consuming darkness,
nothingness feeding on the pit she calls her soul,
starved because there is nothing there anymore,
She is hollow.
She that I speak of,
has known love, happiness, joy, life,
she has tasted the richness of passion,
the fruitfulness of knowledge,
yet she sinks.
Why she sinks,
she has reached her ultimate,
her end is near and she has lost everything,
there is no hope for her now,
so on she sinks.
This is her,
this is her life,
this is her love,
this is her sadness,
this is her death,
This is....
Her Falling.
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